Archive for the ‘Letters&Loathing’ Category

Elmer Roasterfoot – Speaking Of The Universe by Alissa Foulmouth

August 29, 2009 Leave a comment

I am at the CERN laboratory near Geneva to interview one of the greatest minds of the twenty century for my poorly sold cultural quarterly Letters&Loathing. I am walking alongside a leaking metal pipe buried a hundred meters below ground level: the Large Hadron Collider, the biggest ever built particle accelerator and the most expensive and fanciest atomic racetrack in he world. The LHC, or Big Doughnut as it is called here, is buried in a twenty-seven kilometers long circular gallery that spans the territories of France and Switzerland sheltering the gigantic particle accelerator. It is here that billions of atomic particles are accelerated nearly to the speed of light just to end up smashing their heads against other particles racing in opposite direction, their tremendous speed makes passport checking at the French-Swiss border very difficult to the customs service and several millions cases of illegal protonic imigrantion have been reported already.

I am heading through these galleries towards the subject of my interview who is working here to prove one of his most interesting theories regarding the color of dark matter that could turn out to be not so dark but just unclean. The well known dedication to science of this man has compelled him to refuse the housing provided by the institution choosing to inhabit a hollow section of the particle accelerator’s tube where he can be closer in his work and heating is for free. Getting there is a twenty kilometers long walk along the interminable tunnel and I begin to regret having showed up with high heels instead of barefoot and with a bicycle. Luckily the route is dotted at regular intervals with rest areas where hotdog vendors and souvenir stands offer their merchandise. I finally reach my destination wishing I was proton that can do the complete tour in a millionth of a second without breaking a sweat, even with high heels. And there he is, the man I have traveled literally kilometers to meet: Elmer Roasterfoot, doctor in astrophysics, Nobel laureate in physics and a very competent amateur quantum mechanic.

In spite of his age, eighty and counting, I found Dr. Elmer Roasterfoot clad in overalls stained with oil and plutonium and with the upper part of his body buried in the belly of the sophisticated machine trying to roast a wiener in the proton beam. He tells me how  in spite of the precise forecasts of his equations and computer simulations of cooking time, he always end up with a wiener that looks and tastes like a mummified gorilla penis. I decline to share his unappealing lunch with him and he motions me to join him sitting on two upturned plutonium canisters.

Dr. Elmer Roasterfoot is not only famous among the scientific community for his prodigious intellectual achievements but also for being the only scientist to win seven years in a row the Einstein look-a-likes contest, and it shows. Although he is younger than Einstein at his age for relativistic reasons his hair is white as polypropylene and seems have been groomed by a typhoon owed to the constant use of the accelerator’s particle beams as hair dryer. His features and facial expression give the face a striking resemblance to a basset hound that smokes marihuana a bit too often. His big nose has a bulbous quality to it and a dark stain of oil on the tip that in close up inspection reveals to be a mole. He too shares with the father of relativity an absentminded appearance consistent with his forgetful nature, as we speak he repeatedly asks me about a discount on the price per square meter of red burgundy and I have to remind him several times that I am here to interview him not to lay the carpet. Once he is convinced we begin our chat.

Q: Let’s begin with an obvious question. What are you doing living here? Don’t they want you at home?

A: I am not sure. I believe I have a house somewhere but I have been here for two weeks already and I can’t be sure. I do remember I used to have a place with a bed inside, I guess is still there. I tried to built a particle accelerator in the basement but the neighbor complained of the noise and then his pear tree grew feet and tried to massacre is family due to radioactive poisoning. I had to come here to scape a lawsuit for damages  and also to use this big machine here to test my theory about dark matter which is not as dark as many assume, it just have been observed under insufficient lighting, that’s all.

Q: Yes, I know about that. But let’s talk about your written work. Some of your books of popular science like Big Bang For Beginners or Fun With Photons are text books in the schools and had helped many people to understand some of the most puzzling phenomena of modern science like why light never gets speed tickets or why gravity doesn’t get sued more often being responsible for so many everyday accidents. Why do you write those books?

A: I write those books to help the layperson to understand the Universe in which they live and of which they are also an insignificant part. People should understand what laugh science is, specially asteroids, that look like giant rocky potatoes but could obliterate life on our planet without batting an eye. Science teaching should be useful and fun, that is why I always add some scientific practical advice in my educational books like proper subatomic etiquette and quantum jokes. Do you want to hear a quantum joke?

A: Not really…

A: Two electrons meet at party and the firs electron ask the second electron: “Where are you orbiting these days?” And the second electron answers: “I don’t know and the more you keep asking the less of a chance to find out.” Ah, ha! Because the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, you know. Ah, ah…

Q: Okay, whatever… Let’s talk about your personal life. I understand that you met Albert Einstein during your freshman year at Princeton, where he was working as a gardener and was already a celebrity after appearing in Playboy’s centerfold twice in the same year. You became friends after he found you one night under his bed conducting an experiment on his carpet and he even lent you his mustache for the presentation of your doctoral thesis about the electrical charge of lint. Is that true?

Q: Yes, he lent me his mustache because it was the same mustache he was wearing when he came up with his famous equation E=mc2 and it had been his lucky mustache ever since. But I placed it upside down in my forehead thinking it was his eyebrows and I was the laughing stock of the examiners during my dissertation. They had so much fun that they awarded me a doctorate anyway, although in the wrong field. I obtained a doctorate in ornithology and they didn’t rectified their mistake until I disintegrated some geese in an experiment designed to test their reaction to intense magnetic fields and gamma radiation that ended with the whole family atomized. But old Al was great man, he even told me how to iron my shirts using just quantum physics and an empty tomato can.

Q: After graduation you worked for the nuclear program of the United States army and helped developing the hydrogen bomb. How did you deal with the ethical implications of your work for the military?

A: I didn’t like them but they paid cash and let me drive a jeep inside the lab despite my lack of driving license. They recruited me because I had the highest rate of accidental explosions during laboratory work on recorded academic history. They though I was a natural blowing things up, once I managed somehow to blow a pottery workshop I attended by mistake believing it was a women’s nudist colony. I never have any idea the bombs we made were intended for war, I always believed it was a secret project to get rid of the moles that were ruining the White House’s lawn during the Eisenhower administration. When I found out what they were for I began a hunger strike but I got so hungry that I had to give up before lunch time. I resigned but I got a grant after pestering the project director’s wife with obscene calls for six years.

A: Tell us about your childhood. You were born in a poor chicken farm in the Midwest during the Great Depression and your parents believed that Earth was flat and that God could be counted on to help healing sick poultry. That is hardly an environment conductive to scientific inquiry, specially after your grandmother was burnt by townsfolk accused of witchcraft for postponing her payment of the Sunday school’s fee. When and how you decided to devote your life to science?

A: I was one afternoon sitting under an apple tree and an apple fell in my head causing me a concussion. The incident made me wonder why apples in that region had the consistency of concrete. Then I found out some Englishman with long hair named Newton had done some work on the subject before me and I promised myself no to let him get the upper hand next time. I developed an entirely new gravity theory based on pears instead of apples. I did all the research at the farm orchard and got a mention of my paper in the local farmer’s almanac. I won five sacks of manure that I gave to my father, my old man always had a soft spot for manure. The incident made him realize you could make a decent living with science whatever it was and he sold my sister to a neighbor whose ox had died. My father used the money from the sale to send me to college, although he wasn’t sure what a college was. He though it was like our farm, but with more and bigger chicken, which was not far from the truth.

Q: Some of your popular science-fiction books for children, like Hot Chicks From The Sun, Voracious Amazons From Venus and Looking Into Uranus, have been criticized for its lack of scientific rigor and labeled as pornography for teenagers. Do you believe they are suited for children? Why did you decided to waste your time to write them?

A: First I wrote those books for my kids but then I realized I had none. Then I wrote them again to arouse the scientific curiosity of the younger generations and stimulate their interest in space exploration. I believe that since the dawn of mankind, when our ancestors gazed at the nigh sky for first time and speculated about the nature of stars, men have always wondered if faraway planets might be inhabited by more attractive and promiscuous forms of female life. If that is the case it is man’s duty to travel to those planets and have as much fun as possible. I want my books to be a source of inspiration for the youth, my vivid descriptions of sexual experiences with voracious alien women is a way to inspire future generations of space explorers. Crews on exploration missions will feel better motivated to spend years traveling through space, let’s say to Mars, if they believe they will be welcomed by a party of green big-breasted nymphomaniac female aliens than if they have to dig for frozen dead microbes. Don you agree?

Q: I am not an expert in space exploration but I am on men and I agree you have a point. You have always endorsed the idea of intelligent life in other planets in spite of your refusal to admit its presence on Earth. You once were arrested for climbing to the top of the Empire State Building and screaming for hours embraced to the lighting rod in an attempt to communicate with aliens. What other less asinine actions have you taken to achieve the goal of contacting an alien civilization?

A: I spent thousands of dollars in stamps for letters sent to other planetary systems but I haven’t got any answer yet despite they contained enough stamps for the reply. I think the post service is rather slow past the asteroid belt and my letters might take a few billions of years to get to their destinations, but there is still hope to reach them with the new express service.

A: What about space exploration? You have collaborated with NASA for many years until the recent scandal when hundreds of NASA monogrammed pencils were found in your desk drawer and you were accused of stealing government property. Your projects for NASA have been called many names, most of them synonyms of demented, and never seen the light of day. Which one do you believe is the reason among so many possible candidates that makes people think you are crazy?

A: I am not crazy! I am a visionary! The problem is that I only seem to be able to envision crazy projects. First I proposed to NASA a manned mission to the Sun and those bureaucrats said it was too hot in there and the astronauts would likely perish. Fools! They believed I wanted to go in daytime, but my plan was to travel only at night. Then I devised a trip to Jupiter using an electric powered space probe but we miscalculated the cable length. The probe ran out of line and got unplugged just two-hundred million kilometers from the planet’s surface. Two-hundred million kilometers! We were almost there! A bit more cable and we would have made it! It was a shame because that year the electricity bill was enormous. Then my project for a seaside resort in the Moon was cancelled when I found out the Sea of Tranquility was dry as a brontosaurus bone. I had had enough with those people. I rented some office space in Houston and established my own space agency but the building management wouldn’t let me store my Atlas rockets in the utilities room because the insurance company upstairs complained about the noise and smoke of the firing tests. When I accidentally sent their receptionist to Pluto the federal government closed the operation and confiscated my calculator.

Q: Let’s talk about your theoretical work in astrophysics in which nobody seems to have been harmed yet. Your theory that black holes are just glorified sewers has been frontally opposed by most of the scientific community and accused of being a form of intergalactic racial discrimination against black holes by prominent members the African-American community who had expressed their discomfort by machine-gunning your house in several occasions. Are you an intergalactic racist?

A: No, I am not. I love space, and space is black, isn’t it? If astronomers spend most of their time watching white starts is because they are easier to observe than the black parts where you can’t see shit. I spent twenty years studying the darkest regions of the cosmos through my telescope and I never saw anything interesting because I had forgotten to remove the lens cap, but it wouldn’t have made any difference if I had.

Q: You were awarded the Nobel prize for your discovery of the elusive elemental particle called neutrino, although you had wanted it named helmertron. How did this happen?

A: I was one day sitting on my bed getting dress for a conference after the organizers had sent me back home when I showed up in my pajamas. I was putting my shoes on when I felt something odd inside, the left shoe wouldn’t fit in spite of the fact that I always buy oversized shoes because they are the same price as my size and I get better value. Anyway, I looked inside the shoe but I saw nothing, then I noticed something attached to my sock: it was a neutrino in mint condition, it probably got stuck inside the shoe. I put it my pocket and I flied to Sweden the same day after lunch. I got the Nobel Prize that same evening during a dinner with the King of Sweden in a pizzeria near the Royal Palace. It was very romantic, he was wearing a tuxedo and had his crown on. His Majesty instructed the cook to place the gold medal inside the pizza to surprise me and I lost a tooth filling. I was so happy that I insisted to pay the bill myself until His Majesty told me how much he makes a month and then I asked for seconds and let him pay.

Q: That was a good idea. Certainly better that your infamous nuclear-powered toothbrush. What plans do you have for the future? What are you working on lately? Are you writing something I will understand?

A: Yes. I am writing a book on particle physics for retarded children that I believe you might find rather accessible with just the bare basics on differential calculus. It is a cooking book titled 100 Fat-free Receipts With Subatomic Particles.

We finalize the interview with a quick handshake because hair my doesn’t tolerate radioactivity too well and has caught fire. I leave the genius with his brilliant mind absorbed in calculations and equations while the not so brilliant body that carries it around struggles to free his nose from the magnet in which it is stuck.

Categories: Letters&Loathing

Günter Worstmood- The Weight Of Reason. by Alissa Foulmouth

August 28, 2009 Leave a comment

colgaoI am in the little town of Turz in the heart of the Black Forest heading towards a local cafe to meet who many consider the most prominent philosopher of continental Europe and perhaps the world: Günter Worstmood. He has recently become the first man ever to purchase a brand new car with earnings exclusively derived from philosophy essays sale’s. Respected by the majority of the cheerful philosophers community but also loathed by its less fortunate members who have to make do with second hand models of inferior quality, this man is as close as any philosopher can be to stardom and has been compared to  Mick Jagger by the magazine Rolling Stones, although the famous octogenarian singer refused to make comments on this subject.

The town of Turz is a clean and quiet beautiful little German town with no remarkable feature whatsoever and almost invisible from anywhere outside, hidden as it is behind so many trees. It is among those trees in the outskirts of Durz that Günter Wortmood owns a house he shares with his wife but he has found more convenient to meet me at the local café because, in spite of the many accomplishments of his academic life, he is still ashamed of the physical appearance of his wife that casts a shadow of doubt over the good judgement of this great thinker and makes one wonder what he was thinking when he got married to her.

We are sitting face to face across a marble table with cast iron legs with two cups of black coffee laying between us. Günter  Wortmood figure is that of heavily built gentleman clad in black with a boulder-looking head crowned by a scalp of white hair that is balding in some spots giving his head the aspect of an hairy full moon. The stern face is unsmiling and sour, as are the eyes and the big nose in whose tip rest golden rimmed reading glasses that seem ready to attempt suicide by jumping from the nose to scape so much gloom. His attire is entirely black and austere and seen from afar he could easily be taken for a priest or a giant beetle. We are not speaking yet because after motioning me to sit he seems oblivious of my presence on the table in spite of the fact that I am talking to him trying to break the ice. He informs me that he is not genuinely interested in my opinions or thoughts and reminds that the practical goal of our meeting is the transference of information from him me and not the other way around. Then he makes sure I understand this point and requests the interview to begin because it is getting late and he has a lot of philosophising to do today. So we begin the interview.

Q: The reception of your inspirational book, Vindication Of Death And Other Misfortunes, has been universally positive among academic circles and praised as the most convincing endorsement of suicide ever written, driving many scholars to voice their expectations that you would soon act consistently with your ideas. Some had even offered generously to help you to do so. What do you have to say about that?

A: Those intellectually inferior men should already know damn well that I can kill myself without help of a collection of frustrated scholars that believe philosophy consist in stalking young female students through the window of their dormitories with their little binoculars. If I haven’t committed suicide yet is only because the sales of the book have been so good that I plan to write a sequel titled 1001 Reasons To Terminate Your Life.

Q: But you have tried to kill yourself several times and always failed. Isn’t that true?

A: Yes, I tried to kill myself for first time when I was only nine years old and found out that Universe was an illusion of the mind and existence and illusion of the ego, I felt betrayed not only on an intellectual but also on an economical level because my father was forcing me to save fifty marks a month out of my allowance of five and half. I felt betrayed. Why to save money if the universe was an illusion? Why to brush my teeth every morning, is halitosis an illusion too? So I thrown myself though the window, but I forgot my room was just a second floor and I landed on the roof of my father’s car who made me pay for the medical bill and the car’s roof bodywork, also out of my allowance, in fact I still owe him some money although he’s been dead for over twenty years and doesn’t care any more.

Q: You grew up in Nazi Germany and although you were just a child your father was party member and worked for the Gestapo, although he later denied his affiliation and in the trial he declared that didn’t know the Gestapo was a Nazi organization, he had believed it was a sado-masochist club. He said he joined because he alway had wanted to own a leather coat and play with guns. Do you think it was telling the truth?

A: There is something true in every sentence as epistemology reveals so often. My father was a Nazi. Period. And one with very bad breath. But it is true that he joined the Gestapo because a leather coat. He didn’t speak about it, but what happened is that he sent his favorite leather coat to  a Jewish cleaner and it came back ruined and with spots. The Jewish storeowner accepted to pay my father for the coat but wouldn’t take the spots back. My father never forgave him for that and joined the Nazis precisely for their Semitic Cleansing program. I still have those spots in shoe box in the attic as memento of my father’s foolishness.

Q: You went to school during the after-war period and conditions were hard back then. The country was in ruins and food scarce, not to mention school supplies. Nevertheless you revealed yourself as intellectual prodigy at a very young age by writing your first philosophy paper before learning to use the toilet.

A: That is correct.  I wrote a behavioral paper on my mother for my third grade class: My Mommy’s Logical Imperatives And His Conditioning By Means Of Pavlovian Principles. A brilliant work, I conditioned my mother to cook my favorite dish and sing me Wagner arias before going to sleep. But those were hard times, the school was in ruins and we had no school supplies, not even paper, we had to pick up bricks from the ruins to write on them which made our bags very heavy to carry. The teacher have to chisel the lessons on the wall for lack of a blackboard and writing a simple sum took several hours. Food was scarce too and we were forced to eat books from the bombed library, I ate mostly classics but some people would eat anything, phonebooks, romantic novels, detective novels, or even movie star biographies.

Q:  You graduated at a very young age and published your first book on existentialism Emptiness Is Nothing that was an immediate success and opened you the doors of academic world. You were the youngest scholar ever offered the seat philosophy at Liepzig University but declined and went to teach the children of the reindeer shepherds in Lapland because you wanted to be left alone and there you met your wife.

A: Well, I did teach for a while at Leipzig but all the students were older than me and it is very difficult to keep discipline in the classroom when you have to ask the students for help to erase the top of the blackboard. One day I had a discussion with one graduate student about the nature of being, he insisted being was imperative and I insisted it was conditional and sometimes a headache, but he won the argument after throwing me into a well. After that I decided humanity was hopeless and move to Finland to teach in a remote shepherd community outpost, hoping that in the vastness of the Polar regions I would find the peace I longed for and had a chance to meet Santa Claus personally. But those rustic children turned out to be basically feral kids, every time I gave them bad grades they would tie me to a reindeer and use me as slide. I met a local woman one night. In those latitudes night lasts for six months and the next morning six months later I was already married and she was pregnant, when I saw her for first time on the daylight I realized too late what a big mistake I had made. We left after six year when I realized nobody spoke German there and that I was wasting my time.

Q: But since you came back to your hometown you have produced multiple publications that reveal you as the most original thinker of the century and possibly one of the most pessimistic individuals in human history. Less Than Nothing, Negation of Nothingness, Emptiness for Beginners and You Are Fucked are only some of the titles of your philosophical treatises that nobody dares to read but everybody praises.

A: I believe that the moral obligation of a philosopher is to make people feel bad about themselves, about the others and about reality, but in modern society those duties had been taken over by the advertising industry, the news media and politics respectively. That is the reason why I decided to enter politics, to shape society as I envisioned it: a collection of helpless individuals sentenced to subsist in a world that they don’t understand and where their illusions and aspirations will be crushed to dust. I established a political international forum with the goal of attracting to my cause the intellectual elites of the world but in spite of its catchy name, the Syndicated Humanity International Team (S.H.I.T) failed to achieve any significant support for reasons that still scape me.

Q: Let’s talk about the immediate future. I have heard that the rights one of your more lighthearted essays The Dead And The Ugly had been acquired by a major Hollywood producer to make a big-budget sci-fi musical played by cute critters. Are those rumors true? And if they are, who do I have to sleep with to get a part?

A: I am afraid it is true. But I never had wanted to have my deep and resonant work messed with by those philistines so I had always rejected their offers, but one day a man showed up during a rainy night at my door and said he had had a flat tyre and that if would allow him to call a lorry to tow his car stuck in the mud. Moved by natural empathy to my fellow humans I told him to come in and made his call for a nominal fee of only nine marks. But when I showed him into my studio he grabbed one of my books and ran away and he wouldn’t give it back to me unless a sold him the rights. It turned out that the guy was a Hollywood producer that had devised that trick to fool me into sell him the rights of one of my works. I signed and got the book back but it was all wet and smeared. Hollywood people don’t know how to treat a book properly, and it shows! But in order to safeguard my intellectual integrity I included in the contract one clause that requires the producers to shoot the movie in black and white and with subtitles in German and Finnish. And in answer to your second question I don’t know who you should sleep with to get a part, but if you are extra-nice to me I could put a word or two in your behalf with those unscrupulous merchants of entertainment.

A: Are you making a pass on me Mr. Worstmood?

Q: Are formulating an hypothesis Ms. Foulmouth?

A: Yes, very much.

A: Yes, I think your hypothesis is correct. How much?

Categories: Letters&Loathing

Luna Maria- A Woman In Her Own Words. by Alissa Foulmouth

August 24, 2009 Leave a comment


The walls of the homely room I enter are whitewashed with lead-free pale blue paint. There are eco-friendly wooden shelves packed with books and stone flowerpots with luxurious indoor tropical plants everywhere. The hostess invites me to lay down on a gorgeously festooned Balinese-made teak chaise lounge under a reproduction of the famous self-portrait of Mexican paintress Frida Kahlo printed on chlorine-free recyclable parchment. She deposits in my hand a steamy aromatic mixture of organic Ceylon Tea inside a delicate Japanese-made dirt-free tiny Zen bowl.  She informs me that the splendid chaise lounge in which I lay buried in fair-trade Indian hand-stuffed cushions is oriented, as is the rest of the furniture, according to the most stringent Feng Shui criteria. All these elements coalesce to create inside me a feeling not unlike being submerged deep inside a warm giant protective uterus and I wouldn’t be surprised if a spermatozoid flies through a window and initiates a delicate nuptial dance searching for an egg. Such a feeling would not strike you as utterly nonsensical, dear reader, if you knew this lovely villa owner’s name. I am at the Balinese home of the Argentinian poetress, novelist and women-rights activist Luna Maria Candela for an exclusive interview to my magazine Letters & Loathing. Heroine and source of inspiration for millions of women around the world and a formidable foe for the few men that know of her existence she counts among her friends movie stars, politicians and famous artists but also can be found side by side with the destitute, the oppressed and the ugly,  although for aesthetic reasons she prefers to be seen in public with the former rather than the latter.

She is right in front of me sipping with great delectation from a Zen bowl identical to mine but for her name written with felt pen on the delicately curved surface. Luna Maria has the kind of unassuming beauty that women find so appealing because it doesn’t threatens them, but that men find so profoundly repulsive. To put it in other words, Luna Maria is a very intelligent and tenacious woman but she didn’t have too much luck with her face. She must be closer to her sixties than to her fifties but looks much older due to sustained overexposure to sunlight on the beautiful tropical beaches that surround her villa. Her skin has the texture and color of an over-baked croissant that has spent too much time in the oven. There is no way to know her age with exactitude because my insistence on the subject has already been rewarded  with a friendly reprimand in the form of a cooper-free fork prick in my leg. Her silvery hair is cropped short and decorated with a gracile white orchid grown in her own bathtub in spite of the discomforts she had to endure while bathing. Her almond-shaped eyes are pale blue and two in number. Her jewelry is as unpretentious as her appearance and made of simple natural materials like fishbone but she wears numerous pieces in wholesale quantities. She dresses in an ample colorful Indonesian hand-woven sarong that was presented to her by local fishermen to spare the hideous view of her naked body to the locals and that now she is required to wear whenever she leaves her villa under penalty of death by stoning squad.

Her last published book of poetry, Starfish on a Meadow, inspired by the menstrual experiences of Kurdish women refugees has been hailed by lesbian activist as the definitive work on the subject and has become a  best-seller in the Middle East. Today she will answer some questions about her work and personal life for us.

Q: Let me begin with a delicate question about a review of your last book that says that your exposure of the menstruating habits of Kurdish women constitutes a violation of their right of free menstruation and states that the public exposition in your book of the aforementioned habits could have a catastrophic impact in the deeply conservative Kurdish society. The article accuses you of jeopardizing those poor women’s safety and exploit their monthly menstrual suffering for material gain. What do you have to say about that?

A: That article reeks of chauvinism and testosterone. I am positive it was written by a man.

Q: Well. I am sorry to disappoint you but it was me who wrote that review, as you would know if you read my magazine, but I imagine you are too important for my little homemade quarterly. As you can see I am a woman.

A: I wouldn’t be so sure about that darling. Let me see your vagina!

Q: What?

A: As you should know if you read Vogue instead that insignificant paper of yours this villa is my private feminine sanctuary. No men is allowed here with the exception of my lovers, so in practice no man has entered this house for over twenty years. Some had tried to infiltrate the compound disguised as women claiming to be journalists or fans. Yesterday I caught a paparazzi dressed as a pineapple hiding in a fruit basket. Prove me you are a woman or this interview is over!

Q: Okay. See? Is it enough?

A: No, open your legs wider and use that recycled paper lamp to illuminate the area. I am getting older and I can’t see so well. That is better. Everything seems in order. Thank you darling.

Q: Let’s go back to the initial question. Don’t you think your last book constitutes a form of exploitation of the misery of those women?  Your epic poems about the menstruation of muslim women has created such an upheaval in the Middle East that Starfish on a Meadow has outdone the Koran at the top of of the bestseller lists. Muslim religious leaders have to wait for hours to purchase barely enough volumes to  feed their pyres in the local mosques, and printers in Teheran had to establish extra shifts to provide enough fuel for the hundreds of fires that burn every day in their country, generating prodigious quantities of CO2 emissions that have already reached the stratosphere.

A: Well that is certainly one of the causes my sales in the Middle East are so good and probably is also the reason I found a plastic explosive attached to my panties during a visit to Tripoli for a canine exhibition. But it is not true that fueling those pyres of intolerance is the only reason those highly spiritual men of God purchase my book. Some of them actually read the book before throwing it into the fire. I even receive  letters from mullahs praising my inflammatory style and the combustible qualities of my book. I particularly remember a letter from an Yemeni mullah so impressed by my poetic descriptions of the vagina that he wrote me telling how he had decided to undergo a sex-change operation to implant a vagina under his armpit to impress his brother.

Q: That is a certainly interesting story. But you haven’t answered my question yet.

A: No. The answer is no. It is not exploitation. It is art. The menstrual cycle is a reality of mother nature that misogynistic society will have to accept as a fact of life and learn to appreciate esthetically. I have been menstruating profusely all my life and I will until the day I die, maybe even afterwards. I am not ashamed of that. On the contrary. In my book I wanted to celebrate with my Kurdish sisters this holy manifestation of the cycle of life by means of the universal language of poetry. And with the goal of delivering my message, this summer more than three thousand women from all nationalities and races will gather for the biggest collective menstruation ever assembled. In the company of these brave women we are scheduled to menstruate simultaneously in front of the United Nations building in New York in the greatest event of this kind ever witnessed by womankind. We already have obtained the sponsorship of a company that manufactures recycled sanitary napkins and the Guinness Book of Records delegation has sent confirmation of attendance .

Q: Well, we will have to stay in tune to see what happens with that. Good luck! But let’s talk now about you. I understand you were a child prodigy and for that reason your father locked you in a cage for seventeen years. Is that true? How did that affect you emotionally?

A: Yes, he was the stereotypical latin macho and didn’t wanted me to receive any sort of education besides, maybe, a degree in sweeping and moping technology. He always believed that the only option for a woman is to marry and become her husband’s unpaid housekeeper and the caretaker of his children. But he reconsidered his position on the matter when I reached my teens and he realized how difficult would be for somebody with a face like mine to obtain a decent husband. Still he wouldn’t let me leave the cage to go to school for fear the nuns could compromise my chastity as he has witnessed in innumerable pornographic films set in convents that he collected as a hobby. He was a very traditional and authoritarian man. He hired a personal tutor that would come every morning to give me lessons in my cage placed on the patio.

Q: Was your tutor a man or a woman?

A: He was man. A young and handsome university student. But he never had a chance with me because my father made him wear padlocked steel shorts every time he was around the house and he was never allowed inside my cage. We used to pass the homework papers through the iron bars. He was sensitive and educated and I fell in love instantly. From him I learned to love poetry, he wanted to be a poet himself but he wasn’t half good as I am. I was about to suggest him to find the means to runaway together when I found out he was gay in the worst possible way you could conceive. One night I saw him from my cage hiding behind the garden’s hedge giving a B J to my father.

Q: Wow! I imagine this episode is where you got your inspiration for your first published short story Sons Of A Bitch that was attacked for its veiled homophobic undertone and for using the word faggot four-thousand fifty-six times.

A: You imagine damn right darling! But I disagree in labeling the book as homophobic. The subject of the book is love, the only theme is worth writing about is always love, the fact that the vexed heroine of the story expresses her love by becoming a homicidal maniac that kills her victims by snatching their penises with pliers is incidental. It is the repressive masculine society in which she lives that forces her to express her love in such an unorthodox way.

Q: Well, that explains everything. What about your mother. How was your relation with her? Was she a factor in your resolution to devote yourself to poetry? Did she help you to achieve your goal?

A: Are you kidding darling? No. She was an illiterate halfwit that spent all of her time on the kitchen cooking for my father and cleaning around the house. She idolized my father to the point that she wouldn’t let the dog take my father’s sleepers to him because she wanted to do it herself. Many afternoons I had to withstand the ruckus caused by her and the dog fighting for the stretched sleeper pulling with their teeth in opposite directions. It was shameful. But she was a mother after all and although I despised her for her weakness after seeing her defeated by the dog so many times, she still would come around my cage sometimes and leave a plate with homemade cookies that tasted like chalk.

Q: I can see why you left the family home a soon as you could. In the seventies you were studying in the United Stated during the sexual revolution. In college you joined the OFL (Ovarian Front of Liberation), a radical feminist group that has been recently listed second after Al Qaeda as the world’s most perverse organization after Hillary Clintoris joined the movement.

A: That is true. But by then my very good friend Hillary was not yet member. She failed the admission poetry test  because she showed at the exam with her bra and at the time we had a zero-tolerance anti-bra policy that has changed only recently replaced by a don’t-ask don’t-tell about-bra.

Q: This period of political struggle is the setting of your satirical novel The Burning Bras Sisterhood that became the bible of the women’s liberation movement and that sold so well that allowed you to buy an electric typewriter. It was also a scandal because the explicit depiction of your sexual experiences with men, women and other mammals. Were those experiences autobiographical or did you make them up?

A: Some were on some were not. What I wrote about sex with men with big penises was based in conversations I overheard in the lady’s room where I spent a lot time locked in the toilet reading Virginia Wolf and hiding from people that made fun of my hairy legs. The lesbian experiences described in the book are mostly originally mine, as are the descriptions of intercourse with underperforming ugly men and other mammals. But the celebrated scene of anal sex with a giant eggplant is inspired on a dream I had constantly at that time. As you may know I always been interested in female sexuality, specially in mine, and I am co-founder of the first Tantric Institute of Vaginal Studies that studies the link between female mental health and sexual activity but by those days we just copulated indiscriminately for the fun of it.

Q: But you fell in love with your young blind pottery teacher and tried to marry her, isn’t it true?

A: I don’t believe in marriage. It is a chauvinist institution whose only goal is to deprive women of their freedom and sell those stupid overpriced white dresses that end up in the trash bin with the discarded Christmas trees. Ours was a political act of defiance to convention cleverly designed to empower and galvanize the oppressed lesbian community. Same sex marriages were not allowed at the time in any country, so we celebrated a weeding ceremony on a raft anchored in international waters for that purpose but the ceremony ended abruptly when a shark ate the wedding cake and my girlfriend’s legs. She become a quite popular martyr of the feminist cause and left me for a specially handsome kind of clay that is found on the Himalayas. She never forgave me for the fact that the raft had been my idea.

Q: You have remained single since then and had devoted your life to your prodigious literary output of poetry, essays, papers, conferences, novels, articles and shopping lists. Don’t you regret that your dedication to the cause of women rights has prevented you from the experience of being a mother? I know you went through a terribly traumatic experience of abortion while still young because you wrote about the aftermath in two books: 101 Beauty Recipes Using Placenta and 101 Ways to Cook a Fetus.

A: Yes, it is true. But I don’t like talking about that, it was a terrible experience and everything that I had to say about it is written in those books. It was all a big misunderstanding. I though I was at the dentist and forced the obstetrician to extract the fetus through my mouth. It was horrible, I nearly choked.

Q: The reading of your poetry is considered by literary experts as very demanding intellectually for the many mythological references you use and for your request that l’s and capital i’s to be removed from the text because you consider them phallic symbols. Is it your work only for the intellectual elite?

A: Absolutely not! My work is written for the masses! Many of my readers are women that cannot read because they have been denied a proper education by the repressive conditions prevalent in their native societies. But I still encourage them in public and push in private to buy my books and stare blankly to them for hours. Even if they are illiterate the power of poetry is such that the exposure of their souls to the magic healing power of the written word will help them to improve their poor living conditions. It certainly helps to improve mine, and if you don’t believe me, look around you. Do you know how many books you have to sell to buy all this bric-a-brac?

Q: Many, no doubt about that. Let’s talk about your plans for the future. You already mentioned the International Menstrual Gathering for Menstruating Freedom this summer in New York. Do you have any other projects?

A: Yes. At the Tantric Institute of Vaginal Studies we are experimenting with a revolutionary training method combining hatha yoga and voodoo that will enable women to achieve an unprecedented level of control of their vaginal muscles. Once this technique is perfected it will allow women to teach their vaginas to speak or even sing. I have already taught mine the mystic syllable: Om.

Q : Really?

A: Yes, listen.

V: Oooooommmmmm…

Q: Wow, that was really impressive! What about your romantic life? Are you with somebody now?

A: Now? Now I have vibrating egg inside my vagina. It has been there for three weeks and I think I have to replace the batteries, so we’ll have to speed up with this before they close the Seven Eleven. Without my egg I get in a terrible mood.

Q: Okay. One last question then to close our little chat. You said before the only subject worth writing about is love. What are your thoughts about love? Are love and sex the same thing for you? And if they aren’t, why did you a applied for a marriage license that was denied to marry a thirty-three centimeters long black dildo?

A; Yes. I believe that love is the most precious thing in the world. All my work is devoted to it. Most of the characters of my books are women forced to live in the margin of society because they are not allowed to love and are not loved with the intensity they need and they go insane. For my sex is exactly the same.

As if to confirm the validity of the closing statement of Luna Maria her vibrating egg’s has gone dead and now I found myself at the gate of her high-walled beautiful damn villa bargaining with a tanned bike-taxi driver over the fare to my hotel while he tries to grossly overprice me. In the distance a cloud of dust from her speeding limo still can be seen in the fading light of the sunset while I wonder why that bitch didn’t offer me a ride.

Categories: Letters&Loathing

Killer Grass- The man and the letter. by Alissa Foulmouth

August 23, 2009 Leave a comment

VkilgrassKiller Grass is hailed by public and critics as the most interesting voice of Moldavian literature and has recently achieved international notoriety and commercial success after his works have been translated to English and sold at a reduced price.  His name is mentioned every year as candidate for the Nobel Prize, but always in the wrong discipline although during the 1974 ceremony he snatched the medal from the perplexed Biology laureate’s hands and would have get away hadn’t the other man been faster than him.

This are excerpts of the interview soon to be published in the literary quarterly magazine Letters & Loathing that I write, publish and distribute personally. It took place in Killer Grass’ beautiful home in the Moldavian countryside. The sanctuary where he writes his novels and essays is located in a charming quiet valley on the Carpathian mountains. His charming little house is perched on the slopes of a bigger house that belongs to a local landowner who lets the author live there because has a superstitious fear of his yellow teeth. In Moldavian folklore people with yellowish rotten teeth is said to be able to transform you in a hair dryer.

I received an invitation sent by his faithful secretary Mrs. Alma Sukker who has been with him since he discovered that he couldn’t tie up his shoes without help. The interview took the form of a relaxed informal chat by the fireplace sipping an excellent and aromatic coffee that the author himself grows in the basement of his house during his free time. Later on the evening the interview took the form of a turmoil and a hurriedly visit to dispensary when my socks caught fire on the fireplace and a too enthusiastic Alma tried to extinguish my legs with a broom resulting in a fractured tibia.

Killer Grass is a lean and energetic man nearing his nineties but with his mind still lucid and aware of his surroundings, to probe that point he repeatedly peeks under my skirt. He wears a checkered shirt under a thick woolen jersey, a bow tie and has forgotten to put his pants on. His underpants are white with a pattern of yellow smileys matching his slippers. His face is elongated with coarse skin framed by wild white hair shaped as a beard from hears down and like the satellite photo of a high pressures front hears up. The tiny blue eyes behind his thick lenses tell of a life devoted to reading and intellectual pursuits and are honest and wise. The right eye looks the more honest but seems as if the burden of wisdom has found better accommodation on the left, despite the fact that the pupil was lost in a hunting accident when Mr. Grass was mistaken by a wild turkey and shoot.

The preliminary chat reveals me a warm, charming and intelligent man with a great sense of humor and significant tendency to spit when pronouncing a diphthong. He bursts into laughs a number of times while I tell a literary anecdote about how James Joyce almost had his penis severed by a piano lid. Every time he laughs I have to salvage his false teeth out my coffee cup and once they fly out the window and, dependable as always, Mrs. Alma has to wrestle the dog in the backyard to retrieve them.

When I see that the venerable master is starting to doze off and that saliva begins to slip down his chin I decide to start the interview with a lighthearted question.

Q: Let me ask you first a question that is not related to literature but that I hope you won’t mind me asking. How many books do you have to sell to buy a place like this? Three?

A: Very funny. I didn’t bought this heap. It has belonged to my family for generations but after the war I had my parents sent to a mental institution because none of the could understand any of my books and because that way I could move to the first floor from my room in the attic. I hated my room in the attic, some magpies nest there and drive my insane by picking in my head while I sleep. For years as child I had nightmares in which magpies ate my genitals and forced me to attend hair dressing lessons.

Q: That sounds familiar.

A: Of course it does, my first poetry dealt exclusively with magpies. I see you have read my books. I never I imagined you could actually read. I am impressed young man.

Q: Thanks sir, but actually I am young lady. My name is Alissa Foulmouth. I told you several times before.

A: I know, I know, don’t you worry my child. I always wanted to be a woman myself.

Q: Okay. Let’s go back to your childhood. We all know that your early writings deal with the issue of magpies. But let me ask you. How and when did you decided that you wanted to be a writer?

A: As a child I always wanted to be an obstetrician. I used to practice with cows. But one day I found a dusty letter in a corner of the dinning room. I was mesmerized although I couldn’t understand what it meant. I told my parents I wanted to learn how to read and they untied me and let me go to school. Later I found out that letter I was so fascinated with was just a plain capital K, I think it fell from my father’s tome of  Kafka’s complete works, but there was so many K’s on the volume that I gave up finding if any was missing.

Q: You just mentioned Kafka. Some critics have compared A Trial, your last novel with Kafka’s work, specially with The Trial, because the only difference is that your book has far more orthographic mistakes. Are you a great admirer of the immortal genius from Prague?

A: Who?

Q: I mean Kafka. Do you like Kafka?

A: Oh, yes, indeed of course. I love him. I always leave some scraps for good old Kafka. He is getting old now. Like me. But I still enjoy to have him in my lap on a cold night and stroke his penis until he…

Q: What? Your dog’s name is Kafka? Isn’t a that a coincidence?

A: I don’t know about that but I had a cat before called Schiller. He never produced a single decent poem. He could only write about sardines and his calligraphy was hideous.

Q: I feel like we are losing track here. Let’s back to your childhood. Tell me about your parents. Did they encouraged you as a child to follow your dream of becoming a writer?

A: Well my father did, he was a man of letters. He had worked as typesetter all his life, he was specialized in questions marks. One of his designs was praised in a local farmer’s journal. My mother was another story. Her sister had married a Czech that claimed to be writer but he stabbed her with his fountain pen in their wedding night and ran away with her cattle. My mother hated writers since then.

Q: How sad. But your parents sent you college, is that right?

A: I think so. I don’t remember that period so well. I remember the University, it was a collection of large buildings with tables inside and young people reading and taking notes. There was some older people too. Curiously enough they stood up most of time and spoke incessantly. Those where different times and women were not admitted in the University.

Q: But you met your first love during that period, isn’t that true?

A: Oh yes, I remember that part very well. I met her in the Medicine Faculty. She was so beautiful and young… she was also the first woman I ever saw naked. Actually she was naked the first time I saw her. I think that is why I fell in love with her. She was lying on a table in the anatomy ward. I though she was sleeping and I tried to awake her with a bucket of water but then I realized she was dead so I had sex with her. She seemed indifferent but I had the best time of my life. I took her with me to my room in the boarding house and we started living together until the landlady complained of bad smell to the police. She was an old hag and I think she was jealous. She always had a crush on me, but she looked too much like my own mother. And I had certainly enough with my own mother. Anyway they took her away, not my mother, my corpse girlfriend, and I tried to kill myself by drinking from my ink well but only got my tongue black.

Q: You didn’t die and you wrote your first book instead. Sweet Putrefaction was banned and labeled necrophilic pornography. The volumes were requisitioned and burnt.

A: Yes, that’s exactly what happened. But do you know what?

Q: No, what?

A: What what?

Q: You were telling us about your corpse girlfriend. Please continue.

A: Oh, yes, of course. Do you think I am senile? Yes, Linda. Well I never knew her real name but I always called her Linda.

Q: Then the war came and you joined the resistance underground and tried to keep writing. I can imagine those were really hard times. Tell our readers about it.

A: Yes. It was difficult for all of us but for me it was worse. I remember one night I wrote a particularly lovely sonnet while waiting for a troops transport we had ambushed. We were hiding on a ditch by the train track and it was pitch black. It was raining and the ditch flooded. Do you have any idea of how difficult is to write in the dark submerged in mud to your neck? When I got home I couldn’t understand a single word I have scribbled on damp paper. And to top it off we had blown a transport of swine. We mistook their snouts protruding between the cart planks by machine gun muzzles. It was a fiasco. They found a dead pig impaled in the lighting rod at the top an Orthodox church three kilometers away.

Q: But your experiences as a freedom fighter became the source of your next book A Death in the Mud that became your first published novel. Is that correct?

A: Yes and no. Death in the Mud was based in experiences of that period but they were not mine. I took them from a comrade’s rucksack. He was my friend and died in my arms after a particularly nauseating breakfast. Women were not allowed in the resistance either, and we were all terrible cooks. He had no further use for his experiences so I put them to good use in my book, but I left outside any reference to him to avoid problems with the law.

Q: Very wise. What happened when the war was over?

A: The country was in ruins and the only thing I did well besides writing was bombing. It is the only short of professional training you get in guerrilla fighting. My comrades never left me have a gun because they said I was crazy. I couldn’t find a job because there was nothing to blow left in a country already in ruins.  I had to come back to my parents and stay with them. I blowed up some cows to stay in shape but I knew that what I really wanted was to write.

Q: Then you went to Paris and wrote your existentialist masterpiece about the war The Dead Don’t Sweat. Tell us about your Parisian days.

A:  France and Paris in particular were a bizarre place. Everybody spoke a strange language called French and I couldn’t understand a single word. I locked up myself in my rented room for three years. The landlady would slip omelettes and crepes under my door and siphon French wine through the key hole. After three years of isolation listening to the radio I felt confident I had mastered the French language and decided to leave my room. Understand my disappointment when I find out that I had been listening to the BBC’s international broadcast service and could speak only English, albeit with French accent, probably due to my diet.

Q: Then you fell in love for second time. Tell us about it.

A: Her name was Ivonne. I met her one night while taking a stroll on a public park. She was very attractive and the most sensual woman I had ever seen. The women from the Moldavian countryside look, smell and behave like horses. In fact thousands of Moldavian women are saddled by mistake every year. But Ivonne was different, she smelled like roses, had no facial hair and she didn’t seem to mind the only French words I could pronounce correctly were merde and croissant. We drank and I took her to my place and we made love all night. She even let me do things to her that would had made blush Linda. And Linda was dead. It was a total let down when she asked me for thousand francs. I was devastated. Specially because I didn’t have that kind of money. She told me not to worry and asked me if she could make a phone call. I though she was calling a taxi. What a nitwit I was! Next thing I remember I was lying on a hospital bed with seven broken ribs and both my legs fractured. I learned an important lesson that day: never trust a woman that shows interest in somebody like me.

Q: But later you wrote an alluring short poem about her called The Dirty Slut that deals with the subject of lost love and reconciliation.

A: Yes, I wrote that very short poem about Ivonne. I had wanted to write a novel but she insisted to charge me five francs a word so I only could afford the poem. But I had learnt my lesson. I outsmarted her. I wrote the poem in her presence and added the consonants after she left.  She said the poem was gibberish but I knew better. Unfortunately I misplaced many of the consonants and my publisher broke my legs again. I decided to come back to my country as soon I recovered.

Q: You came back after all those years. What kind of welcoming did you had ?

A: After the publication of The Dead Don’t Sweat I had become a sort of celebrity here, but my mother still hadn’t get over the fact that I was writer. She still hated writers. She had read my book and didn’t understand anything. She insisted that a saucer pan that figures prominently in the book as a symbol of social injustice was inspired in her and tried to stab me with a spoon as soon as I crossed the door. I survived the attack but I was so traumatized that since then I had to mix the sugar in my coffee with my finger and drink soup directly from the plate, which is one of the reasons I do not get many dinner invitations.

Q: Let’s talk about that. Your detractors say you are a misanthrope. You rarely socialize and when you do you chose to eat under the table and wear a paper bag in your head at all times. Your work pervades a deep contempt for human condition and you were arrested once for inducing and abortion on woman by insisting in giving her directions to a butcher shop when she was requesting medical attention. Tell me, do you hate people?

A: No, definitely no. I like to eat under the table because that way I can peek more comfortably under women’s skirts.  It is true, and I had said that many times in my books and also to people that were not even interested in  listening to me, that I consider the human species essentially as the failed experiment of God. Many times, when I begin writing a novel I put myself, so to say, in God’s shoes and let me tell you: They are huge!  They smell a bit rancid, like Roquefort cheese. But being in God’s shoes is an unique experience. It gives you perspective, and that, for a writer, is priceless. You see humanity as it is: a frantic ants race but more chaotic, more fecund. And then, when I begin writing, I actually become God. I can have my characters to do whatever I want, to think the way I want them to think. If I want them to fall in love I can make that too. I can kill them and I can also bring them back to life, as much times as I want. If I want, I make them to dance without having any music played. Isn’t that being like God?

Q: Well that is some interesting shit Mr.Grass. Can you pass me back the joint?

A: Sure. What was I talking about? Oh. Yes! God. Have you ever realized how the word GOD has only three letters? And how much the words GOOD and GOD look alike? There is something rotten in that. That is why I always distrusted the priests. I felt they were hiding something from us. Behind  the paraphernalia of the rite, behind their unctuous smiles, behind the altars there was something that was slowly decaying for an eternity. That slowly decaying matter was us. We have forfeited our souls to them and in the process they became jailers of our conscience. I try to free humankind of that invisible slavery with every word I write, with every letter, with every drag…. Man, this shit is good! Where did you get it Mrs. Foulmouth?

Q but A: A Jamaican guy I met in London. Fucked once.

A: I feel sleepy and I can’t find my goddamn teeth .

A: They are there, under the sofa. There. And you can call me Alli.

Q: Thanks. Would you please show me your tits Mrs. Foulmouth? I mean, would you show me your vagina Alli?

A: I came here for a literary interview, not to fuck with a nonagenarian writer that looks like Montgomery Burns.

Q: I didn’t say anything about fornication. I just wanted to see your genital organs. But now that you mention the subject I can give 200$ cash now and 200$ more tomorrow. With that you can get yourself a nice handbag. What do you say?

A: Make it 500$ and you got yourself a deal.

Categories: Letters&Loathing