Archive for June, 2010
The amadeus is the only squid able to conduct a symphonic orchestra although it never gets any good reviews of his performances because critics get confused with his many tentacles and its style is too aquatic.
Aquatic is indeed its habitat and the amadeus is found mainly in the waters of Austrian castle moats that apparently remind it of orchestra pits but full of water. This is incidentally one of the reasons why the amadeus, in spite of its virtuosity as an orchestra conductor is seldom hired. It always demands the pit be filled with water which causes significant discomfort to the other players, especially the winds section that can only produce musical bubbles.
From one particularly gifted amadeus of the eighteenth century is said that Mozart took his name and musical compositions but the prevalent racism toward cephalopods at the time prevented it from being credited as the author of its own music. It was forced to live a life of deprivation in the Jewish ghetto, where it was ostracized as well due to the Jewish taboo against shellfish.
This species has many predators among other fish, even fish who are not usually predators but are trying to catch some sleep while the amadeus is rehearsing, which it does constantly and at top volume. If attacked the amadeus will emit a high falsetto note that stuns the attacker by blowing out his head.
The origin of revealed religions and religious crazes can be tracked back to these tiny parasitic creatures closely related to the common flea. Prophezoos have the bad habit of nesting inside insanitary human ears. Unique among insects prophezoos have the uncanny hability to speak although what they say seldom makes any sense. Their chatter has been repeatedly mistaken by the voice of god causing erratic behaviour and claims of divinity in those with infested tympanums. If left unattended the most severe cases can spread to their host’s brain causing hallucinations in which a man with a long beard makes absurd claims and requests obedience and servitude.
Recent advances in sanitation like soap and cotton sticks have greatly reduced the incidence of this peculiar plague, which explains the significant reduction of believers among the populations with access to proper ear hygiene. Although this resilient pest remains endemic in many underdeveloped countries they can also be found in some segments of the population of developed countries, like tele-evangelists and priests who stubbornly refuse to clean their ears.
It is not known for certain if the clampburger is a real animal or just an urban legend. Its presence has been reported mostly in urban areas by intoxicated youngsters who swore they had been chased by this peculiar creature. It seems that its natural hunting grounds are shopping mall parking areas and fast-food restaurants where it can camouflage itself among brand’s mascots and overweight shoppers. It his said that the clampburger was originally a teenager working part-time as mascot for Burger King Kong wearing a gorilla custom when he was run over by a truck driven by a blind midget carrying expired yogurt. The accident caused the toxic waste to spill over the costumed boy causing them to merge with each other and mutate into this grotesque abomination.
The clampburger has the appearance of a three-meter tall burger, the standard size of a jumbo size ration in most American restaurants. The disguise is so perfect that its inner mouth looks like condiments: lettuce, tomato and a cheese slice that is actually its tongue. In spite of his odd appearance the clamburger can run very fast and it always wears running shoes because its favorite prey are young humans with brand sneakers. It lures the fatest ones pretending to be a giant hambuguer and then devours them. It digest the body and bones but excretes the shoes so it always has a huge collection of sneakers that it uses to make a nest for its eggs. The clampgburger practices asexual reproduction, which considering its appearance is probably the only chance to reproduce it will ever get.
This species of flea is by far the biggest of them all. While most fleas are tiny pests the size of a punctuation mark the arctic flea can reach the size of an olympic stadium and weigh several million tons. Arctic fleas spend their entire biological cycle underwater leaving only their massive frozen backs exposed drifting on the surface where they are easily mistaken as icebergs.
In spite of their massive size the arctic flea is a very shy creature. Zoologists especulate that the bad reputation of its extended family as disease carrier pests has shamed this gigantic but harmless species into a self-imposed underwater existence. Due to this characteristic timidness the life span of the arctic flea is very short: they do not dare to surface to breath and they tend to perish of asfixiation in a matter of days.
As in most species, coupling is a tricky business for arctic fleas and sexual intercourse is usually accompanied by the deafening rumble of friction between their humungous frosted backs. The courtship takes place on icebanks and lasts for several days, most of the time wasted as the male painstakingly swims along the female’s coastline, which might stretch for several miles, until he finds her genitalia. Incidentally this is the reason why the smaller females of artic flea also are the most promiscous. Once located, the spot, which is roughly the size of a dime, intercourse takes place until the male ejaculates or if he is buried by an avalanche of ice caused by the earthquake-like mating activity. The female then releases a sigh of relief and millions of small fertilized frozen eggs that drift away in the current. These cubic-shaped eggs are well known for their application as coolant for cocktails .
Not unlike Sisyphus and Prometheus, the ballsilisk is another unfortunate mortal that fell in disgrace with the gods for a minor incident taken out of proportion. First mentioned by Herodotus, or by some other scholar of ancient Greece who looked a lot like Herodotus, the ballsilisk is a perpetually angered creature with ninety-nine balls that are always swollen and have the weight of a dead bull. According to legend the ballsilisk was originally a king who affronted Zeus by roasting him when he had transformed into a chicken to seduce his virgin daughter who had an unusual fondness for chicken wings. As punishment Zeus cursed his testicles to multiply to the highest two-digit number and for the hair in his armpits to grow and become entangled.
It is said that Achilles defeated the ballsilisk and cut his ninety-nine balls to make a necklace for Aphrodite who thought it was the most distasteful gift she had ever received and thrown it into the Hades along with Achilles. Cursed by Zeus the ballsilisk testicles grow back more swollen and itchy than ever driving him crazy. The basillisk is indeed the most irascible creature of the Greek pantheon and that is the reason why he is never invited to parties at the spa the gods own on top of mount Olympus.
In Greece this grumpy character has been incorporated into popular language with the expression ‘to have the balls more busted than the ballsilisk’s‘ referring to somebody who is extremely upset.
Commonly known as the VIP (Very Important Parasite) this creature is the only insect that feeds exclusively on digested champagne-soaked caviar and it has the good sense, or at least good enough for an insect, to inhabit exclusively inside the stomachs of the extravagantly rich. It is also the only pest unknown in Third World countries although it has gradually spread from the Western World, its natural habitat, to oil-rich countries in the Middle East and from there to the emerging economies of the Far East. Now it is almost everywhere but Africa, where the brandulas either die of starvation or are fried and eaten by famine victims for who brandula soup is a renown delicacy.
Entire colonies of brandulas attach themselves inside the stomach of their rich host and wait for a dinner party to take place to feed. The species is originally from California and the first infestation was detected inside the intestinal tract of a wealthy Hollywood movie producer of the silent era who spread this plague on a promotional trip to Europe. This is indeed a gregarious species although it refuses to travel unless in First Class. The larvae which has the appearance of dandruff are common sight on the food and beverage service of private jets and at jet set parties, where they are usually mistaken for low calories sweetener and ingested.
Brandula’s infestation is harmless itself but leads to a condition called brandulence in which the host will manifest heavy flatulence caused by the activity of the colony. In spite of the many discomforts experienced by those carrying them in their stomach in certain circles these sophisticated creatures are considered a glamorous symbol of wealth. That is why the rich and famous won’t fart, they brand instead.
This ubiquitous bug can be found in any regularly domesticated home in the Western hemisphere constitutes an excellent example of the adaptive capacity of the common bug. The freaky domestic bug has evolved physical features that allow it to fit in his immediate surroundings and thrive in its environment by adopting characteristics of mass produced entertainment appliances. The species has evolved mainly in living rooms and male human teenagers bedrooms. Kids are their main predator and the species has evolved to resemble the objects for which youth have a stronger emotional attachment, and excellent mechanism of defense that makes them really hard to kill.
The first specimen was discovered in 1978 in the bedroom of one particularly unhygienic American teenager and was named very suitably Coleoptera Darthvadiensis because its resemblance to a celebrated character of a popular movie of the time that I won’t mention here to avoid being sued.
Notice the small portable TV set that the female always carries with her. Naturalists speculate this is either the appearance of the species larva or that she carries the set for entertainment, even though the freaky domestic bug seems unable to switch channels and only turns on static. More evolved specimens have been reported by entomologists carrying flat plasma screens and remotes.