Home > Uncategorized > Just Another Prophet In No Man’s Sand (II)

Just Another Prophet In No Man’s Sand (II)


Mouthmad stood on top of an upturned empty barrel in the middle of the little Ceutan main square, that was also the only square in town. He looked around to the brutish villagers who went around on their business without paying attention to him and who had not even thought to organize a welcome party for him after his six years long absence. In fact most of them hadn’t even noticed he was gone and nobody seemed to recognize him.  Only a handful of idle men and the village idiot had gathered around  to see if he would make a fool of himself. Some of them were already weighting stones in their hands to throw them to him in case a stoning was found pertinent . He coughed some dust and cleared his dusty tongue and began to speak.

‘ Listen to me my Ceutan brothers. I have just come back to you from my pilgrimage into the desert where I endured great hardship and all sorts of calamities. The days were hot and the nights cold. I had neither food nor water. I breathed as few as I could to make myself worthy of God’s attention. For days I left the burning sand of the desert to slip into the crack of my butt and let it there without scratching as penitence for my many sins. I ate sand and I drank sand. I slept in the sand and woke up under the sand. I took showers with sand and brushed my teeth with sand too. Even my humbles clothes were woven with sand just to prove God, the great sand maker, that I am humble as a grain of sand, although much heavier. Satan came to tempt me with riches and pleasures, but I refused his evil seduction and buried my head in the sand. Like a merchant in the bazaar he offered me golden palaces at bargain price and lascivious voices called my name from the darkness luring me to sin but I filled my hears with sand not to hear those wicked calls. He showed me tempting images of the pleasures of the flesh but I filled my eyelids with more sand not to see them. Then he offered me a device called vacuum cleaner that would swallow the burning sand out of my stomach. I felt tempted, I must say, but still I refused, for Satan is a prince of lies and such a contraption would never be possible. Then a deafening thunder was heard and the earth itself trembled in its wake. It was the Almighty Himself calling my name from Heaven. He told me the Devil was at his service and He had sent him to tempt me and see if I was weak and unworthy. I had proved myself to Him and He had decided to show up for a chat although I couldn’t see Him yet because my eyes were still full of sand. He told me he had been moved by my meekness and stupidity . He said he wanted a prophet for his revelation and he had chosen me in the hope I would perform better than the last one who only had managed to get himself nailed on a cross. I told him that I was indeed the meekest of the meek and considered dumb among the stupidest and precisely because that I was not taken very seriously among sinners. He told me he was about to give me an irrefutable proof that would silence the incredulous and that he only needed a minute. He was silent for a minute and the sun and the moon appeared together in the sky at the same time and I realilize I was watching God’s buttocks. They were pure white marble and chiseled like a Greek sculpture. God, praised His name, maybe timeless but he stays in good shape. A thundering grunt of relief was heard and a black mass fell from the sky and landed at my feet and covered me with a sticky matter not unlike feces in texture and smell. The Maker, praised be His bowel movement, had just defecated. His almighty feces where mine to prove the distrustful that He was not only God, ruler and creator of the Universe, praised be His name, but that his bowels movements were as almighty as himself. I carried His holy turd through the desert and brought it here so you can see it and honor it’

Mouthmad step off the barrel and from under it he produced a black congealed mass the size of a melon. He raised it above his head to show it to the onlookers, specially the shorter ones in the last rows. He took it in his hands and with great care climbed back to his improvised pulpit. Then with one stretched arm he raised the black pertrified giant dropping and with his free hand pointing to the sky said:

‘ Behold my brothers, God Almighty, praised be his name, had found in his mercy to drop on our lands his Almighty Dark Feces to show us that we are His chosen people. Praised be Him. Honored by His name and His fecal matter. Brothers I command you: honor the Holy Shit!’

The crowd was silent and unimpressed. The thing Mouthmad was holding in his hands looked to them just like a regular dry turd whose only impressive feature was its size. Only the village idiot fell on his knees and began vowing to the Dark Feces with outstretched arms and forehead tapping on the ground. Some of the onlookers throw some rocks aimlessly and the small crowd dispersed to do their duties wondering what that stranger was talking about.

Mouthmad was left in the middle of the dusty square holding the Holy Shit with the village idiot at his feet. Not so bad, he thought, at least nobody had cracked his head open with a rock like the last time he asked for directions. He already had three followers. First his wife had believed everything he told her, no matter how nonsensical and strange. Mouthmad had even told her he was growing feet in his head and she nodded to that too. Then there was his retarded son who felt a strong emotional attachment to the Dark Feces and spent hours in the yard caressing the black turd, although he did that with any feces he found. And now he had recruited the village idiot for his new religion he planned to call Shitlam, which meant  ‘Those Who Worship Dung’ in the desert dialect.

Mouthmad walked back to his house and had the village idiot whose name was Moron carry the feces for him, because they were heavy and Mouthmad disliked manual work and thought prophets shouldn’t do any sort of heavy lifting. Moron followed him to his house jumping around and beckoning to hurry up a few paces ahead, for he was a very nervous and fast paced idiot. Mouthmad who preferred a more leisure pace became very upset by the constant screaming and beckoning and decided to have revelation while the tied up a loose sandal. It was reveled to him that idiots and persons of inferior intelligence, which included the total of female population, should always walk seven paces behind a person of superior intelligence, and everybody should walk thirteen paces behind the prophet.

Moron had a fit of laughter that lasted six hours when they made it to the little house and he saw Shycunt wearing a bucket in her head. Mouthmad had always felt ashamed to be seen in public with such an ugly wife so he had had a revelation that morning while having breakfast. His eyes had rolled up and down and he had begun perspiring profusely followed by a wild salvo of noisy farts, all the classical symptoms of revelation. He had proclaimed then that God had spoken to him and that from then on ugly women should cover their heads with a bucket or a sack. Incidentally this law of Shitlam would be later extended also to beautiful women to great disappointment of the male Shitlites.

Mouthmad bestowed upon his first three acolytes the honor of building a shrine for the Dark Feces  while he sat on a chair and watched the progress of their work. The progress was slow and the result dubious. What could you expect of an idiot, a retarded child and a woman blinded by a bucket? The shrine was a shaft made of four crooked sticks buried in the sand holding a roof made with a soiled bedcover that had been white but now was black. Mouthmad had them stitch some chicken bones on the hems to give the whole contraption a more shrine-like appearance. He had wanted to have it decorated with some nice paintings depicting his ordeal but nobody of his followers was up to the task although they certainly tried. Moron would only draw giant penises and naked women with huge breasts, his son could only sketch two parallel lines that met at the end and his wife produced some drawings with the bucket on her head but Mouthmad face was drawn so crudely that he looked like a giant chicken, which was actually how he looked although he had much loftier vision of himself. He got so mad with the poor results that he had another revelation and he banned the depiction of human form and poultry animals for all Shitlites and that women should never hold a pencil in their hands. He ordered dinner and went to sleep afterwards because next day there was a lot of prophesying to do.

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