Home > Sense & Nonsensibility > Sense & Nonsensibility (V) The Countess In The Barrel

Sense & Nonsensibility (V) The Countess In The Barrel

Episode V: The Countess In The Barrel

Countess Vera Malamilk stood by the window watching the many Hungarians that flooded the evening streets looking for a place to eat a decent goulash. Vera was not Hungarian and she hated goulash, she didn’t even liked how the word goulash sounds. She was not born a countess either, as a matter of fact she was not even born in a family that could afford shoes for sixteen children. She remembered how, as a child, she had to share one used shoe with her fifteen siblings and could only wear it in one foot every two weeks for one day, or for half a day in both feet.

Vera had been born in a destitute family of cow farmers in the rocky Carpathian range, a terrain more suited for goats than cows. The family cows died at an alarming rate, either falling from the cliffs or of indigestion caused by eating rocks, and her family had barely enough gravel to eat. But she had been blessed by fortune with a beauty unusual in a region were most women were systematically mistaken by stacks of boulders. At a very young age she noticed the curious effects her beauty had in other people. Men would do for her anything she asked them, no matter how stupid or dangerous, once he had the blacksmith jump off a cliff just to see what happened. What happened was that the blacksmith’s widow tried to squash her head with an anvil. Women didn’t like Vera very much and would put her inside a barrel full of nails and roll her down the mountain slope on a regular basis. She attended the parish school where she always obtained top grades after threatening the priest to tell the archbishop about their extracurricular activities in the henhouse. It was thanks to those grades that she obtained a scholarship and was sent  to study in a boarding school for ladies in Paris. She left her little miserable Carpathian town with no intention to ever come back and with great relief for the town’s female population that rolled her inside the barrel for the last time as farewell.

She arrived to Paris, the most cosmopolitan and sophisticated city in Europe, just to find herself locked up in a convent with not a single man in sight. The nuns and their unattractive  pupils very soon began to appreciate her talent and beauty and put her in a barrel full of nails and thrown her rolling down Montmartre. It was after one of those spinning outings that she met her future husband. Count Malamilk was eating breakfast on a restaurant terrace when the barrel crashed against his table causing his soup to rain over the startled customers and considerable damage to the furniture. The courteous count captivated by her beauty offered to pay for the damages and invited her to join him, although they should eat on the floor because the tables had been smitten to bits. Vera accepted his invitation after a few minutes of doubt spent thinking she was being invited for breakfast by a giant meatball wearing a suit that turned out  to be the count. She thought she had suffered a concussion in the crash but a closer inspection revealed that that was exactly the appearance of the count: a giant speaking meatball wearing a nevertheless expensive and fancy suit. She accepted his invitation and they ate breakfast together that morning on the sidewalk of the cobbled little Parisian street.

The count fell immediately subjugated by her beauty and exquisite manners, and by her huge breasts clearly visible through her generous collar and where persistently drops of the count’s saliva happened to sink. Vera though the count looked like a fat pig from the very first moment he saw him, but decided to seduce him to scape her life of imprisonment in the convent with its tedious barrel-rolling routine. She planned to obtain as much as she could from him so she played her virginity card although that was certainly a bluff. She managed the count to rent for her a fancy residence in the courtesan’s quartier.  She took many lovers and spent the money of the count with the kind of efficiency of which only women are capable. In two months she managed to deplete the total of the Count’s travel budget intended for two years, contract syphilis and get herself arrested for drunk swimming in the holy water basin of Notre Dame. She would have stayed in Paris but the French authorities released her only on the condition she would leave France not to ever come back and that she would marry the count, otherwise she would be sent to the French Guiana penal colony on a life sentence of forced labour. The judge based is sentence in the scientifically accepted theory of French alienists that marriage was the only feasible form of  woman domestication. Vera found herself in the position of having to decide between a lifetime of forced labour in Devil’s Island in the company of jews or getting married to pig-man.

She chose the second option and as soon as she arrived to Budapest as the flamboyant countess Malamilk she embarked herself in a series of romantic affairs that left her always unfulfilled but were fun to have. Then she had met young and passionate Vladimir who fulfilled her completely many times every night and from all directions and now she found herself in her living room watching through the doors and waiting for her chambermaid to arrive and tell her that everything was ready for her trip to England.

‘ Madame, everything is ready. The carriage is waiting for you at the door. ‘ said her chambermaid who was twenty year old boy dressed as a maid.

‘ Thanks, Fred. I left you some leftovers in your cage, you can go an eat. I will be leaving. ‘ answered the countess and looked to his chiseled buttocks as he left in all fours.

The countess Malamik descended down the stately staircases in a dignified manner and elegantly entered her white carriage thinking if she might had forgotten to turn the gas lever.  Bound to start a new life with the man she loved but she still had the serenity to think about the gas bill. Her only worry was that her husband and the lunatic priest might find him before, but they had still to find him while she knew exactly were he was. Although she was clueless about Charlotte, otherwise she would had packed bigger scissors. And she didn’t know it yet but she had an ace up her scarlet velvet sleeve. She had come into possession of  a letter with information that would change the course of this narration in the most unexpected and bewildering manner.

To be continued…

What contains the mysterious letter that the countess hides in her black leather purse? Well she arrive to Vladimir before he runs out of air inside the closet? How will him explain her his presence inside a closet if she makes it on time? And if it no? Then what? If you are literate, read answer of all these questions in the next episode of Sense & Nonsensibility.

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