Sense & Nonsensibility (IV) Love Letters From A Closet
Episode IV: Love Letters From A Closet
‘ What is it? What did you do?’ asked Charlotte to her captor who would not stop stuttering while trying to find words to describe whatever was tormenting him. He had been like that for the entire length of the previous episode and a pool of saliva had formed at his feet on the earth floor of his lair and she was beginning to lose her patience instead of her virginity.
‘ No! I can’t tell you! Such is the enormity of my crime. You are too pure to hear of such wicked things.’ he said sobbing.
‘ I wouldn’t be so pure if you had acted like a proper bandit and raped me. If you rape me maybe you will feel better telling me about it later ‘ she said while subtly rubbing her breasts against his face.
‘ I don’t want to rape anybody! ‘ he said jumping away of the bedside causing poor Charlotte to fall and smash her tender naked breast on the dirt floor. She stood there and began to cry reckoning she had fallen in love with a total moron. He felt ashamed and thought he should rape her after all, but instead decided to summon all his courage and tell her about his terrible crime proving he was indeed a moron.
‘Listen Charlotte’ he said ‘ after killing my mother I met the veterinarian on the road to town. I haven’t seen him in years but he recognized me. He was the family physician because his fees were lower than a real doctor and he had attended my mother on my birth. I wanted to run but he began chatting with me. He told me he was in his way to visit my house because my mother was in her last month of pregnancy. I realized with horror I have killed my unborn nephew AND cousin.’
Vladimir explained her he was very agitated because according to Hungarian folklore the man who kills his nephew and his cousin with the same sword in the same day will give birth to werewolves, although this myth has never been confirmed because such incidents are less common than one would imagine. When she heard that Charlotte realized she was dealing with a very alluring idiot. She was about to refute such an absurd notion by shoving her dusty breast inside his mouth when they heard loud knocks on the door.
‘ Open this door immediatly! Open this door in the name of the Crown!’ said a voice at the other side of the door.
Vladimir jumped with feline agility and grabbing his pistol from the table vanished through the back door that was actually the closet’s door where he got locked. Charlotte covered herself and while wondering why such a handsome man had to be so dumb went to open the door. She unlocked the door and saw a mob of villagers carrying torches and pitchforks, it was a search party that had spent the night looking for her in the hope of finding her dead so they could lynch somebody afterwards.
‘Charlotte! What a surprise to find you here! ‘ said the sheriff who was leading the mob ‘ We thought you had been carried by the windstorm to Porsmouth again. What is this place? What are you doing here? What happened to your clothes? Is there anybody here we can lynch? ‘
Charlotte recognized his father’s face among the angry mob carrying torches. He always joined any angry mob he saw, specially if they carried torches. She realized she should think fast and make up a good excuse to explain what she was doing there or her prospective lover would end up in the gallows.
‘ I was taking a walk under the rain and… I just found this place… and I was tired… and decided to come in and take a nap… and I fell sleep. Nothing to worry. Everybody can go home now. Thanks for coming. See you later. Bye.’ she said in a not entirely convincing tone because she couldn’t stop giggling and then she began to close the door.
‘ What kind of talk is that? ‘ said his father coming out of the mob brandishing his torch ‘ You are coming home with me now! You are marrying in four days. The shoemaker’s grandfather died last night of a stroke when he heard the news of your disappearance but left you to his horse in his will. You are marrying his horse now. Come here! ‘
‘ I wonder if marrying a horse is legal in this district’ said the sheriff.
‘ Of course it is!’ screamed her father ‘ This is England. The bloody pope has not authority here! You can marry whoever you want as long it belongs to the animal kingdom. Otherwise I would had married a potato already. ‘
‘ Father, you are insane.’ said Charlotte and crying darted into the forest followed by the mob leaving Vladimir locked inside the closet.
Vladimir had heard everything from inside the dark closet and was moved by Charlotte’s efforts and clumsy lies to spare him the gallows. Women could be such a generous and unselfish creatures, he thought. Then he thought it again and realized something was wrong in the sentence, most likely both adjectives. Nevertheless the though of women filled him with an overwhelming feeling of love that manifested itself in the form of a turgid sensation inside is underpants. In the darkness of the closet he felt with his hands under the old issues of Highwaymen Magazine piled at his feet and grabbed a wooden box. He opened the box full of letters and took the letter at the top. He opened the envelope and leaning against the crack of the closet doors that allowed some morning light into the closet he read with delectation the exquisite calligraphy of the woman he loved:
” Dear Vladimir,
I am happy to hear that you are doing quite well in your career as bandit but I miss you. I am sick of my fat husband and I can’t wait to see you again. He always looked, ate and smelled like a pig but since he had his golden snout implanted the resemblance is unbearable. But we must be careful and wait. I am kept under constant surveillance by my husband’s spies and I found one of them under my bed the other night. He pretended to be reading a newspaper but he looked suspicious to me because the paper was upside down and he didn’t seem to notice.
I hope we will meet soon, please be patient, the opera season in Budapest is particularly interesting this year and it would be shame to miss it. Yesterday a very fat tenor fell into the orchestra pit and crushed the second clarinet and for some reason that made me think of you and the crushing way you play your clarinet for me all night long, pausing only to drink some water. But do not fear my love, because we will be together very soon.
My husband had taken into his service a mysterious priest named Vladivicious and they are busied in travel preparations before departing in search of you. As soon as they leave I will flee to England with all my jewels and money to meet you and we will travel together to America to start a new life. We will find an isolated house where you can play your clarinet for me all night without bothering the neighbors.
P. S. With everlasting love I remind you to keep your lovely clarinet inside your pants or I will chop it myself. I hear that England is full women of loose morals that will do better by staying away of what rightfully belongs to me if they know what is good for them.
Countess Vera Malamilk”
To be continued…
Will the sensual countess chop the clarinet of our tormented hero? Will she join Vladimir on time before his chasers find him? Will Charlotte really get married to a horse? Will Vladimir find a way to scape the closet before he runs out of magazines to eat? Does anybody care about all this? Find out in a new exasperating episode of Sense & Nonsensibility.