The Casper-Wülffman Syndrome Menace
The World Health Organization has recently published a report on the ill implications of the spread of little known form of viral infection whose devastating effects made it an unlikely candidate for a dinner invitation. Scientifically known as Recurrent Streptomycesis Necrotic Fistuliasis of the soft tissue but popularly called Casper-Wülffman Syndrome (CWS for people with weak tongues) this rare illness is probably one of the lesser known potentially lethal viruses the scientific community knows but whose name has trouble remembering.
Named after the first man to detect it on a microscope the Berniecocus Patogenensis was discovered by chance in the Harvard Biology College by Bernie Sneezer the laboratory’s human guinea pig who happened to peer on a microscope looking for a missing sock and found himself a year later in a Stockholm tavern fist fighting with a mollified Austrian biologist that found unfair that Bernie got the Nobel prize for his chance discovery over his thirty seven years long study of the reproductive habits of the double-gilded fly, a species that turned out not to exist.
One of the most unique and puzzling characteristic of the Berniecocus Patogenensis this is that is the only virus known to man that can pass from sausages to human beings. In fact the first identified case in the medical records dates back to the early 20th century and concerns the case of a Polish housewife from Cracow admitted in the local hospital complaining of severe headache, high fever, stomach cramps, nausea, and the loss of both hears. Although her hears where swiftly recovered by police from under a horse’s hoof the patient died only three hours after hospitalization because of severe loss of bodily tissue that had slipped faster than anybody expected from her bed to the floor. As for the cause of her death her death certificate reads: unknown, I went for breakfast, see you later.
It was much later discovered that she contracted the virus in a butchers shop when she inadvertently rub her cheek against some contaminated sausages. The epidemic that ensued first in Poland to later spread to Europe, Asia and North Africa was of biblical proportions, and we all know how wild those were.
The death toll was enormous, the terrible symptoms of this terrible sickness, inflated green gums, falling appendixes and explosive diarrhea become fearful signs for the populations struck by the implacable Berniecocus Patogenensis. Cleaning teams would roam the streets picking up noses and hears fallen from the infected and go mad trying to match them with their rightful owners. The epidemic left hundreds of thousand of grieving families across the World mourning their beloved ones and wondering why they have lost their appetites even in the presence of tasty snacks.
The mysterious origins of this calamity wouldn’t be elucidated until in 1957 a young doctor named Hammed Infantil discovered a chicken sandwich hiding behind his refrigerator. The incident struck him as unusual and leaving his job at the Calgary Hospital for the Mentally Impaired he locked himself with the sandwich in his kitchen for a research that lasted three years and consisted basically in beating the sandwich with a big hammer. This ingenuous and innovative research procedure allowed him to finally establish the connection between the Berniecocus Patogenensis virus and the epidemic of which he never had heard before.
He discovered the virus could mutate easily as he changed his shorts and without provocation, apparently just for the fun of it. By that procedure the virus has jumped from some infected sausage to the chicken sandwich, after that the bread slices were so scared that they were trying to hide when he found them. It is its this lax attitude towards mutation that the doctor’s paper points as the virus most dangerous attribute, he reports how in one occasion the virus mutated into a carrot while he was distracted picking his nose and in yet another case the virus sneaked under the door and tried to infect his neighbor’s underwear.
The hard work and dedication to science of those men helped the pharmaceutical industry to develop the first vaccines effective against the deadly pathogen but they were rendered useless as the virus mutated yet once more to only affect the population on the lower income slot, those making less than USD 1.75 a day and hence unable to purchase the vaccine. After several days of searching for a way to produce it with a profit margin they gave up and went to do their hair.