The Towering Red Hats Of Dr.Lavabsky
The name of Dr.Lavabsky will probably say nothing to you, my ignorant friend but if it ever goes into posterity it will not be because it is the name of the first man to be condemned on trial to two life sentences for mail fraud but because some towering red hats that you might indeed have seen somewhere.
Human rights activist did take care that his trial got all the media attention it deserved. Dr.Lavabsky himself was subjected to public scrutiny and journalistic investigation and in the process his until then little known theory enjoyed the level of public exposure that never had before.
While participating in 1972 on archeological excavations near Jerusalem as deputy chief coordinator of the catering service Dr.Lavabsky claims he made a chance discovery of several artifacts that provided clues to what was to become the cornerstone of his pet theory: that the person known to history and myth as Jesus of Nazareth was not actually from there but the result of an alien cloning experiment carried out by visitors from outer space.
He claims that while looking for a missing sandal he stumbled upon a curious mound whose more prominent feature was that it looked exactly like the hundreds of dirt mounds that give the Holy Land its characteristic bumpy aspect. Using only his bare hands and an ax Dr.Lavabsky unearthed three bizarre objects: a spoon, a shinny pajamas and a human teeth.
Dr.Lavabsky claims all those objects were alien in origin. Apparently the spoon was made of an alloy unknown to Earth science, the pajamas was too made of a strangely shiny fabric not unlike some polyester shirts of the 70’s and the teeth was a regular canine with a root canal. After an exhaustive and painstakingly careful process of study of carbon-dating and neutron spectrometry analysis that took the whole weekend and apparently prevented the good doctor from taking his Sunday ballet lessons, the doctor was astonish by the results because according to his interpretation they offer irrefutable proof of the extra-planetary origin of the remains. The most interesting turned out to be the teeth because DNA testing showed it had been genetically engineered. Unfortunately all those important objects and papers got lost when he moved to a new condo with better views and the old one was blown to bits by a bomb maker neighbor that mistook a detonator for his alarm clock.
That didn’t prevent the tenacious doctor from publishing a book exposing the conclusions of his findings that he wrote during his internment in prison for a minor incident related to child molestation that he was never too eager to comment afterwards. The book develops the theory of the alien origin of Jesus by analyzing the known details in relation to the alien artifacts.
According Dr.Lavabsky around the time of Jesus birth Earth was visited by an alien starship -or may be even a flying saucer- with the mission of establishing contact with earthlings. The ship seems to have hovered around for a while studying the aboriginal forms of life and arrived to the conclusion they were not evolved enough to make any form of meaningful communication with their race’s superior brains feasible. Besides, the odd appearance of this alien race would have most likely alarmed the native population, and you do not want to annoy people prone to stone you to death at the least provocation.
According to Dr.Lavabsky’s chronicle of the event they devised a plan to create and genetic hybrid that would communicate with the Earth’s population in their behalf. Being theirs a single sex alien race that reproduces by splitting themselves lengthwise making you wonder what they do with their free time, the challenges for a genetic engineering operation were enormous but they have it done after lunchtime and had only to wait two hours more for the petri dish to cool down otherwise they would have burn the tip of their tentacles. Then they hovered around a little more searching for a suitable subject for the embryo.
It was during this listlessly wandering that they were apparently spotted by three astrologers that happened to be looking up the sky, which is what astrologers use to do at that time which explains why most astrologers of antiquity had crooked noses. The astronomers or Wise Men of the East followed what they believed to be a wandering star on the back camels because no taxi was in sight to follow what actually was the alien starship.
In the meantime the aliens located a suitable implant candidate in a village girl that went for water to the fountain and winded up wandering around town in her underwear and claiming being visited by an angel that got her pregnant. Many villagers moved by her story tried to stone her to death but when it was found out that she was still a virgin they pitied her and throw her out of town. Of course this village girl was the Virgin Mary and what she described was a classical case of alien abduction like the famous case of Oswald Pinkstone that went for a milk cartoon to the grocery store and was abducted while waiting for the change only to appear thirty-six years later in a dentist’s chair in Bangalore getting two fillings and a dental cleansing on the process. During her abduction the cloned embryo was implanted in her uterus using a very long needle which explains why she remained a virgin.
When the Three Wise Men finally caught up with the wandering star nine months later they witnessed the birth of baby Jesus and got so excited that they forgot their lunch boxes. Convinced that something very weird had happened and that they needed a vacation after nine months wandering the desert in camelback they headed back home. Incidentally this experience persuaded the scientific community to discard camels and other quadrupeds as a means to travel to other planets. A brilliant notion that has perdured to our time.
According to Dr.Lavabsky’s chronology the miracles described in the Bible and the extraordinary abilities of Jesus – he was said to be able to jump a three meter high fence without help – are the result of the genetic crossing that endowed him with most of the capacities of the superior alien race. But apparently something got wrong and the genetic mix didn’t work so well at brain level so what should have been the clear message of peace, understanding and anihlation from that alien civilization become mix up with information from the human side of his brain. The result are the confusing and enigmatic preaches of Jesus that were so annoying to the Romans that they decided to nail him on a cross so he would shut up.
The subsequent resurrection of Christ would be no more than a rescue operation carried out by the alien ship crew that had monitored with growing dismay the poor performance of their experiment. The goal was conducting an autopsy of the body to find out what went so wrong and use the remains as fertilizer. It was the witnessing of the recovery by means of a gravity beam or a long rope with a hook – there are significant discrepancies about this point- that persuaded the superstitious witnesses that they have seen Christ ascending to heaven. And it was also during this operation that the objets Dr.Lavabsky found were tossed out of the starship’s window before its departure to a less problematic planet. Dr.Lavabsky’s theorizes the spoon and pajamas were jettisoned because they were of substandard quality and probably overpriced but that the teeth was discarded because the root canal.
After the publication of the book and his release from prison Dr.Lavabsky’s found some following for his theory among the readers of his book, mostly family members and debtors. He established a religious reformation cult that achieved some notoriety during the late 80’s. Under the rules of conduct of their church the members forfeited personal wealth to the church leader, vowed obedience and subjected themselves to a stringent set of rules like the prohibition to attend barn dances, fornicate in telephone boots or eating red meat when raining.
The cult named after his creator Dr.Lavabsky’s Inter Cosmic Church of Enlightenment for Peace languished for two decades while many of its members tried to memorize the name of their own religion. They are still to be found worldwide in shopping malls and prosthetic limbs factories -they seem to gather preferentially on those venues, nobody knows why .They can be easily spotted by the tiny silver cross on a circle hanging on their necks, easily the most conspicuous feature of their appearance if it wasn’t for the shinny tall conic red hat that they all wear and that makes so difficult to enter a room without hitting the door frame. Those bright red hats are the most everlasting legacy of Dr.Lavabsky to posterity for they remind you every time you look at them of who lucky you are of no being that nuts.